god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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