sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
