I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
