Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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