the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
