Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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