Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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