so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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