where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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