Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
