you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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