The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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