i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
