I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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