I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
