i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize