He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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