You're so nebulous sometimes
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
