"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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