I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
