Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
