I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
