I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
