to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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