There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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