If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
