All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
