Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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