i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
