She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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