getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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