when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's shark week go big or go home
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
