i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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