We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize