I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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