the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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