In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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