yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
