So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
