Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
