He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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