Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
