apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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