I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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