I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
