Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
These tits shall not be calmed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
