If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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