smell my finger.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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