I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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