last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
