yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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