MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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