His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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