my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
