I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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