Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize