he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
handjob tips. give me some.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
