hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
